google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.