How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!