I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Birds & Planes.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.