Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared