My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence