Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Don’t snitch tag.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.