She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?