What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Monday
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me