Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You Might Also Like
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.