ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.