Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
In Canada they just call them geese
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.