does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“A little help here, Danny?”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder