“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.