I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
not to brag, but mine was free