If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.