I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
not to brag, but mine was free
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little