who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
it is time once again
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER