[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.