My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
You Might Also Like
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Thinking about Jeff
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
S M O L
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
5 ways to appear taller
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.