Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Coffee for people with no kids
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs