If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
No point crayon over spilled milk.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store