I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’m crying im so happy for them
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase