Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
…u ok Nintendo?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Florida man
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.