If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault