Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”