I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say