I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.