At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Britain be like
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.