confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake