welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me recordaron éste meme
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”