From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*