Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.