*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I can fix him.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked