a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I was just discussing this with my cat
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.