Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.