She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
we all know this pain all too well
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.