The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope