[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
secret recipe
This could be us… but you playing
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?