ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You Might Also Like
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
asked my bf how work was today
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
look at me when i’m typing to you
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me