We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i wish all
whales
a very
big
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it