I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
When someone says you are so lazy
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.