But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.