Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
my sentiments exactly
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”