2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.