the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
So the ex texted me
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
the battle rages on
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now