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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.