If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM