My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You Might Also Like
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?