CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118