That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
saving face 👀
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
58.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.